Have you ever “gone there” verbally when you KNOW you should shut up??? You can tell you are going to vomit verbally any minute and in the back of your mind you KNOW it’s going to get ugly and stink up the place but you just HAVE to say it? HELP! I’m talking and I can’t shut up! Been there, done that one! Frequently.
There are very few women that I know that DON’T “go there” or haven’t struggled with their mouth at one point or another in their relationships. Most of the time it’s with our husbands, children, or parents. Sometimes it’s with friends when we just can’t let something go. We get hurt, offended, or just have an opinion that we think THEY would benefit from. Sometimes it’s a control issue. Mmmmm…most of the time I think:).
Think about this: when you are going OFF on your husband and telling him exactly what you think and feel and what you think he needs to do or say or whatever, what really happens? Does he suddenly look at you like the light went on and say “Oh, now I understand. You are so right honey. I just love it when you point out my faults and I have an opportunity to see my failure and apologize. THANK YOU DEAR!”
YEAH RIGHT! You are in the middle of a difficult issue with your husband or someone close to you and you are hurt and you start to “communicate” by talking and talking, and repeating yourself, saying the same thing a variety of different ways trying to MAKE them understand because, after all, ‘I’m his WIFE, he should listen to me, I LOVE him, I can SEE what’s wrong if he would only LISTEN’…wives and husbands are SUPPOSED to talk…right?You HAVE to tell him…you NEED to resolve it…He HAS to listen…
So how’s that workin’ for you? His eyes glaze over and he shuts down OR gets angry and blows up or walks out altogether…yeah, he’s listening alright…all he can hear is “blah blah blah” and YOU are the one getting more hurt and frustrated. Working yourself in to a foaming at the mouth frenzy of emotion and laying more bricks in the wall of isolation and distance between you. So facing this epidemic of diarrhea of the mouth (sorry about the word picture, but it fits) and NEEDING some help with how to stop the madness I was directed to 1 Peter 3:1
” 1Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,”
For the moment I will not address the “s” word in the first part of the verse but the second part is what hit me between the eyes…my interpretation: “SHUT UP, GIRLFRIEND!” Seriously.
There are so many verses in the Bible about the tongue and the words we use to either build up or tear down, and HOW we are to communicate, but I find that MOST of the time when there is a conflict that is not getting resolved the first thing I need to do is SHUT UP! I have found that the Lord has a much bigger megaphone than I do and can get my husbands (or anyone I am in conflict with) attention without my beating them to death verbally. And believe me, I am GOOD at verbal sparring. But winning or being right is NOT the goal…the goal is reconciliation and peace. It is healing and forgiveness and intimacy. It’s what we really want as women but if we are verbally vomiting our emotions and opinions all over someone, trying to force them to see our way, we are not building up our relationships, we are tearing them down and we don’t even realize it.
Proverbs 14:1
1 The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down.
And when we Do have the opportunity to actually communicate and work through our hurts together we need to do so in a way that heals. Sometimes it takes a while for another person to be ready and willing to talk…then we need patience and that’s an whole ‘nother conversation.
Proverbs 15:1-2
1 A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
So I say this with all due respect and love – SHUT UP, GIRLFRIEND! And go to your Heavenly Father to vent because He can handle it, then do what He says (which would involve finding out what the Bible says about our tongue and how to control it) and let Him take control of the words that come out of your mouth and when they do. There really is freedom in shutting up and trusting that God is in control.
I still struggle with this discipline but I am growing. And life is so much better when I SHUT UP instead of “going there”.
From one talkaholic to another, you CAN shut up, and trust me, you will be glad you did!